2) A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

3) A gorgeous young blond goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor, ‘Show me.’

The blond  took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; then she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

4) A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

I hope you enjoyed these blond jokes and check out this other one on the site: The blond and the ventriloquist.

Dan the man.

Some blond jokes

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

I hope you enjoyed these funny exam answers and keep an eye for more in the future.

Dan the man.

Funny Exam Answers

The day of the game, as hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.

In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best “spin” they could on the dismal result. They showed exactly how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the company intranet after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost just one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year.”

Marketing department spin joke

5. As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. (Gary Delaney)

4.  I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say “bought” – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid. (*Jack Whitehall)

3. I picked up a hitch hiker. You gotta when you hit them. (Emo Philips)

2. I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone. (David Gibson as Ray Green)

1. I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. (Tim Vine)

I hope you chuckled a little, even if you missed the festival itself.

Dan the man.

Tim Vine wins best joke award at Edinburgh Festival

10. Gareth Richards – “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

9. Robert White – “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty.”

8. Gary Delaney – “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

7. Bo Burnham – “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

6. John Bishop – “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

I hope you enjoyed these, keep an eye out for the best 5 later in the week.

Dan the man.

The Edinburgh Festival

Around midday, the two chickens returned to the circulation desk quite vexed and squawked, ‘Buk, buk BUKKOOK!’ The librarian decided that the chickens desired another three books and promptly handed over another three. The chickens proceeded to leave, as before.

The two chickens returned to the library in the early afternoon, approaching the librarian, looking very annoyed and said, ‘Buk, buk, buk, buk, bukkooook!’ The librarian was now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gave them five books, and followed them when they left.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, all the way to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was answering, “Rrredit, rrredit, rrredit…”

A bit corny, I know, but worth a chuckle.

Dan the man.

Two chickens joke

1) A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

2)A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honour thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

I hope you laughed, as always feel free to post your thoughts, links and anything else related to this post below in the comments.

Dan the man.

Sunday school jokes

A red head responded, “OK, what’s the capital of Wyoming?”

The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy, ‘W’.”

I hope you enjoyed the latest blonde joke, we’ll have more in the future.

Dan the man.

The blond and the state capitals

The man gets out of his car, walks over to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me mister, what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who stand out in their field.”

Why did the farmer stand out in his field?

I hope you enjoyed today’s funny post. Let me know below.

Dan the man.

1. Both men have exotic middle names
Obama: Hussein
Clegg: William Paul

2. Both men had to defeat political giants to win party leadership
Obama: Hillary Clinton
Clegg: Chris Huhne

3. Both men grew up in a minor island overshadowed by major continent
Obama: Hawaii
Clegg: Britain

4. Both men troubled by smears and rumours
Obama: Secretly born in Kenya
Clegg: Secretly bought Ikea cake tin

5. Both men published inspirational works of literature
Obama: Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance
Clegg: Learning From Europe: Lessons in Education

6. Both men achieved notable ‘firsts’
Obama: First African American president
Clegg: First party leader from Chalfont St Giles

7. Both men favour cutting-edge television drama
Obama: Likes The Wire
Clegg: Likes Morecambe and Wise

8. Both men admit to past dabbling with strong substances
Obama: “Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it.”
Clegg: “Peanut butter – I’m an addict! I will go to great lengths to find some if it is not actually readily available.”

9. Both men are associated with prestigious accolades
Obama: Won 2009 Nobel peace prize
Clegg: Made video for 2008 British curry awards

10. Both men inspired by charismatic spiritual leaders
Obama: Rev Jeremiah Wright
Clegg: Paddy Ashdown

If you would like to follow Richard Adams’ Blog then click on the link!

Whilst this was written with a generous amount of tongue in cheek it makes you wonder whence such comparisons ever arose. Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed another foray into the biting world of political humour, keep an eye out for more…

Dan the man.

Nick Clegg, almost the same as president Obama